Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
