obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
