I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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