who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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