I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
