On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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