why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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