yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I understand Curling. That high.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
