And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
