I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
