I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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