DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
