I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You took a bar mat shot.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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