Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
