I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
