apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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