Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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