Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
