We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
