'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
