tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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