His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
