just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
