Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
