Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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