My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
