The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
is that a dick in a sweater?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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