I wish my penis had an off switch
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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