Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
