Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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