My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
