Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
