My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
