I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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