I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
