I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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