make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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