Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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