Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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