Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
