You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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