the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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