Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
