seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
