what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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