My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
