Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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