I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
