remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
