went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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